I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
