I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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