I got chris browned last night
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
