now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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