swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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