you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
