uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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