I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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