she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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