How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
