youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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