The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
