I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
