evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
