i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
