She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
