i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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