he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize