omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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