My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
