I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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