yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
