what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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