i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
