so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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