My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize