my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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