its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
