I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
