my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
