I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
