Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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