he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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