I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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