We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
