I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
