dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
