Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
