Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I would ride that face into the sunset
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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