apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
