I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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