I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
