If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
