dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
