Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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