it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
