I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
