nut hugger
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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