I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
