I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize