I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
