i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
