and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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