I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
