Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I cut my penus on the lid.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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