What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
