Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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