On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
