decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
