He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
