There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
